For months I found myself not even being able to look at my blog, or visualize writing at all. I started to wonder if I still had it in me. Knowing that I’ve persevered through Rheumatoid Arthritis, I figured, why not apply some of those techniques I learned from coping with the disease to my inability to write? This is what I came up with:
Reading on the internet is one of my favorite things. It’s easy to jump from one article to another, everything from asparagus and hangovers to Parkinson’s cures. Please type in asparagus and hangovers and you’ll find your next go-to after-party treat…pickled asparagus are the easiest to keep in your cupboard btw! I even love to read those trashy news articles about what stars are wearing, what they’re doing and all the comments that follow. Why we call it news, I have no idea. I read forums, blogs, and whatever else strikes my fancy. I don’t have any real approach to my reading. I’ll start at one article…like perhaps I have neck pain, and that will lead to something else and then something else, and yet something else again, and suddenly I’m on who dumped who and the worst dressed or some crazy bacterium that’s taking over the nation. How did I get here? That’s what a road block is all about, figuring out how to get out of that sticky muck. Research was the only source that I could think of that would pull me out. I couldn’t write, not for the life of me. So I took a road trip, and began my research on “Writer’s block,” and found myself writing again. Do you remember “clusters”? Well I did it. Remember all those writing tools we learned when we were kids? Those tools got me started yet again. Wikipedia, you are the best!
I realized, I hadn’t done this in a while, this wordpress thing. I grabbed a piece of paper, I wrote down “Block” and just like you learned to do in school too many years ago to mention, I engaged in “clustering”. First circle, “Block”-stone-brick-wall-lego–Writer’s Brain Fart-In the Fog-Stumbling Block. Then I realized Stumbling Block was good, while Writer’s Block was bad. That’s a strange one isn’t it?
Then I figured, enough of that…it’s time for free writing. And here I am, writing whatever comes to mind. So far, it’s quite scary…but maybe that’s because so much has changed in my life lately. Maybe I didn’t want to reveal too much of myself. Maybe I was afraid of not what the reader would discover but what I would discover.
I have been going through some really tough times. Quite honestly, I did take to journaling before I took to blogging these last few weeks. I didn’t do much of it, but in the wee hours of the night, when there was no one to call and cry to or ask ponderous questions, I wrote. And when the next night would come and I’d find myself destroyed with sadness, every cell of my being completely swollen in emotional pain, I would read what I wrote the night before and then write again. I would find, over and over again in this process that I lived, despite the pain and could move forward, in the smallest increments as each day passed.
I’m still in emotional pain and perhaps sometime I will let you know more about it…. but for now, just talking about that pain is all that I can do. I know my pain isn’t going to go away anytime soon, and so I have looked to it a little differently than I did before, before it takes over. Perhaps having RA has given me the tools of coping with pain and NOT expecting it to go away anytime soon. Rather, learning new ways of coping is the best that you can do.
So what’s up next? Well hopefully I’m going to be writing to you about what’s going on in my life. A friend of mine just the other day told me the article I posted wasn’t good. It was sugar coated, it was 2 buck chuck, it was muck. I was holding back. I was afraid to reveal again the real me. It’s like getting into an accident and fearing the road or the building, or whatever it was that was keeping you from putting one step in front of the other. There is a lot going on with me, and no need to sugar coat things. I hope in the days that follow that you get to know me again, but in a different way, in a way that I am learning to get to know myself. One day at a time.
Filed under: Personal Stories, Recent Blogs, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sarah Keturah | Tagged: bacterium, clustering, inflammation, pain, research, Rheumatoid Arthritis, saddness, sadness, stress, wikepedia, writer's block, writing | Leave a comment »