It’s nearly a decade later.

Dear readers, this will be an unusual post.

For those that have followed this blog, you noticed at first I didn’t write much towards the end, and then I didn’t write at all. But I never could explain why. Now I’m about to.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten how to write in a blog too, but hopefully this is like riding a bike.

First, I am still alive, still well, and I’m sorry I haven’t logged into my site until now.

A post I had written long ago caused quite a stir. So much of a stir that, a big stack of papers came in my mail, threatening to sue me. At first, I did not worry. I considered what I had to say an act of freedom of speech and that this giant company wouldn’t get very far. But the reality was, I was broke, and I was trying desperately to manage my career and manage my autoimmune disease, and I was in denial. The blog was a place to decompress, but for the first time, it added to undue stress in my life.

Over that year, new paperwork came, threatening me more and more. Calls came in. “Take down your blog” it read. But I did nothing and hoped they could do nothing to me.

A year later, a bigger stack of brand new paperwork came. This time, a new lawyer put their name to it, and this time they threatened they would put me in jail for giving advice on my blog. What? Can they really put me in jail?

I took the paperwork over to someone within my network, as a one time favor to ask for advice.

Yes they could sue me, of course, anyone can sue anyone for anything. But she didn’t think they would win and she didn’t think they could put me in jail because I occasionally gave advice. Still I felt scared and confused. All I wanted to do was be well. I didn’t have money for a lawyer and I was only starting to get control of my autoimmune disease and my career. I felt morally responsible to keep my blog visible, though I was told to take it down. To compromise, I took the original post down that caused so much trouble and stopped allowing comments along with responding to them. All of my writing energy disappeared in an instant.

Without even trying, a year or so passed. Every time I wanted to write, I stopped myself mid-sentence. And then Life happened. Stressful life changes impacted me deeply.

Eventually, I came back to my blog and the accounts associated with it, and realized, I didn’t know my passwords anymore. I didn’t know my usernames because I had changed everything to become “forgotten”. I had let emails expire. I didn’t connect back up emails to send “reset password” info to. There was no one to call. I couldn’t find any of the information I needed to get help. My twitter account was hacked and some other person or bot using my name took it for political propaganda. With all control lost, it seemed the world wanted me to stop writing and just hide.

And then yesterday happened.

I got an email that said one of my emails would be closed if I didn’t log in. I had thought that email no longer existed. I reset the password to the long forgotten email and wondered if somewhere in my emails, can I find my account # or other valid info for WordPress? I had been seaching for years and I was pretty sure I had searched here before.

But sometimes things change because maybe stars aline? I reset the search filter because something was wrong with it. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t find this info before? I searched for WordPress. Ooodles of WordPress emails come up so I hit the arrow key for ten minutes or so until I got to the very first email that was ever sent to me from WordPress. And that’s all I ever needed.

Now that I have access again to this blog, I’m not even sure what to do with it. Should I even write at all? How much should I share? Is it possible to be anonymous? Do I ever give advice again?

It’s only been a day and I figure I’ll just take baby steps. I’ll figure things out one day at a time. I’m happy to at least now, have a choice.

I’ve decided to sign with the name, Sarah May, because she is the old me, long before I wrote this blog. She’s symbolic because RA once had ahold of me, and it no longer does. It’s still here, but it’s not invading my thoughts or preventing me from living. It still however, prevents me from a cartwheel, and I’m hoping in time I’ll change that too.

To my readers that never heard from me again, I’m truly sorry it happened, and any grief it has caused you.

Many gentle virtual hugs to you all,

Sarah May